Even though we all have hopes that our mates and our friends will get along, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But if you notice your honey tending toward catty, passive-aggressive remarks about one friend in particular — think, “Heather has such a big ego, I don’t know how you can stand to be around her so much,” — or getting sullen when you hang out with your pal, there might be another factor at play: jealousy. Read on to learn what might be at the root of your partner’s jealousy, how you might be unwittingly contributing to it, and how the two of you can tame the green-eyed monster together.
Hey, jealousy
It is helpful to begin by understanding the causes of jealousy in general. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. (www.drrph.com), a psychotherapist specializing in gay and lesbian relationships and author of The Power of a Partner: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Gay and Lesbian Relationships, says, “Jealousy is a result of feeling threatened by another person and not having the necessary skills to effectively deal with those feelings.
Jealousy says more about the person experiencing the threat than about the person causing the threat.” Because gay men and women often remain friends with their exes or may have a sexual aspect to some of their friendships, your partner might feel particularly vulnerable regarding those friendships where he or she senses an underlying physical attraction. “My boyfriend and his ex would hang out all the time,” says Sean, 31, an editor from Pittsburgh. “No matter how often he told me that what they had was over, I couldn’t shake the fear that one day something would spark between them and they’d decide they wanted to get back together.”
Sexual jealousy isn’t always at the root of things, though. Your partner might see the interests and experiences that you and your best friend have in common or the ways in which you joke and laugh together and long for that kind of connection with you. “Your jealous partner may sense a quality in the relationship between you and your friend that he or she doesn’t experience with you,” says Kimeron Hardin, Ph.D. (www.kimeronhardin.com), a clinical psychologist and author of Loving Ourselves: The Gay and Lesbian Guide to Self-Esteem. “A partner may also sense a depth of emotional intimacy in the friendship that he or she feels is missing between the two of you, even if the intimacy is non-sexual.”
Relating and communicating
No matter what the cause of your partner’s jealousy, it’s important that that the two of you talk about it—and particularly essential that you listen. Dr. Rik Isensee, LCSW (www.rikisensee.com), a psychotherapist and author of Love Between Men: Enhancing Intimacy and Resolving Conflicts in Gay Relationships, suggests broaching the topic and hearing your partner out without getting defensive or minimizing his concerns. He says, “Instead of countering immediately by saying that there’s nothing to worry about, ask your partner to tell you more about what he or she might have seen or heard that was disturbing.
Have a sense of curiosity and empathy for your partner and really try to understand what’s up.” Address concerns respectfully and explain the importance of your friendships, both to you individually and to your relationship. Dr. Hardin says, “Reassure your partner that you are committed to the relationship but that it would be unhealthy for both of you to limit your socialization to only each other. Part of what keeps a relationship healthy in the long-term is trust and the ability to lead lives that are growing, alone and together.”
You should also recognize when your partner might have a legitimate gripe. If you do have lingering feelings for an ex that you’ve remained friends with or are indeed attracted to one of your friends, the flirty behavior that has triggered his jealousy might not be so innocent. If
you know your partner’s fears are well-founded, Dr. Isensee recommends being honest about it—talk about your attraction to your friend and how that makes your partner feel. By discussing the situation together you can either offer reassurance that the attraction won’t lead to anything more or think about backing off from the friendship for the sake of the relationship.
You may also be contributing to your partner’s jealousy by being more emotionally intimate in friendships than you are with your partner. Says Dr. Hardin, “Calling your friend first for support when you are upset, for example, or sharing things about yourself or your history that you have not discussed with your partner, may also leave your partner feeling betrayed.” Talk about what behaviors trigger the jealousy and what you can do to make your sweetie feel more secure. Notes Dr. Pimental-Habib, “The goal for the couple would be to move whatever issue they’re struggling with from ‘you vs. me’ to ‘you and me vs. the problem.’”
Though seeking support and advice from friends can be helpful, what you don’t want to do is run immediately to the friend in question and tell her how jealous your partner is. This will likely add to the problem, and you owe it to your partner to have the discussion with him or her directly first.
Digging deeper
Though some instances of jealousy may be fleeting and your partner will be easily reassured, in many cases there are other issues at the root of the problem. “Someone who is chronically jealous of your friendships may have low self-esteem and feel easily threatened by the idea that you could be lured away from them,” observes Dr. Hardin. Whether this is due to something that happened to this person in a previous relationship or to other issues of insecurity, it is something that your partner is going to have to deal with him- or herself. Stephanie, 27, from Boston, says, “My ex cheated on me with a friend of hers, and so when I started seeing my current girlfriend, I would get really jealous of her close relationships with other women even though she told me over and over they were totally innocent. I realized eventually that all the baggage from my ex had made me really insecure, and that I had to deal with it before it ruined my current relationship.” Adds Dr. Pimental-Habib: “You can only do so much to alleviate another person’s jealousy. Working on reducing those threatening feelings is each individual’s own process and responsibility.”
It’s also probably not in your best interest to psychoanalyze your partner or bluntly tell this person, “You’ve got issues.” “Having that realization dawn on the person on his or her own is so much better,” says Dr. Isensee. “If you’re really being honest that nothing is going on, your partner may come to his or her own conclusion that this was a case of overreacting or past experiences triggering problems.”
In other cases, Dr. Hardin says, jealousy may point to a deeper lack of trust, projection (because your partner is having doubts about the relationship), or suppressed anger about other issues that he or she has not expressed to you directly. If discussion and dialogue don’t seem to have any positive effect, it might be time for a more serious intervention. All of our experts recommend considering seeing a couples therapist, who can help you and your partner get perspective on the underlying problems that might be triggering the jealous behavior. “Avoid making the issue the friend if the real issue is a feeling of disconnect between you and your partner,” advises Dr. Hardin. That way, you can get down to the real issue — you, your partner and trust issues — and hopefully work through them.
