WHEN YOUR DATE IS JEALOUS

Even though we all have hopes that our mates and our friends will get along, sometimes it just doesn’t happen. But if you notice your honey tending toward catty, passive-aggressive remarks about one friend in particular — think, “Heather has such a big ego, I don’t know how you can stand to be around her so much,” — or getting sullen when you hang out with your pal, there might be another factor at play: jealousy. Read on to learn what might be at the root of your partner’s jealousy, how you might be unwittingly contributing to it, and how the two of you can tame the green-eyed monster together.

Hey, jealousy

It is helpful to begin by understanding the causes of jealousy in general. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. (www.drrph.com), a psychotherapist specializing in gay and lesbian relationships and author of The Power of a Partner: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Gay and Lesbian Relationships, says, “Jealousy is a result of feeling threatened by another person and not having the necessary skills to effectively deal with those feelings.

Jealousy says more about the person experiencing the threat than about the person causing the threat.” Because gay men and women often remain friends with their exes or may have a sexual aspect to some of their friendships, your partner might feel particularly vulnerable regarding those friendships where he or she senses an underlying physical attraction. “My boyfriend and his ex would hang out all the time,” says Sean, 31, an editor from Pittsburgh. “No matter how often he told me that what they had was over, I couldn’t shake the fear that one day something would spark between them and they’d decide they wanted to get back together.”

Sexual jealousy isn’t always at the root of things, though. Your partner might see the interests and experiences that you and your best friend have in common or the ways in which you joke and laugh together and long for that kind of connection with you. “Your jealous partner may sense a quality in the relationship between you and your friend that he or she doesn’t experience with you,” says Kimeron Hardin, Ph.D. (www.kimeronhardin.com), a clinical psychologist and author of Loving Ourselves: The Gay and Lesbian Guide to Self-Esteem. “A partner may also sense a depth of emotional intimacy in the friendship that he or she feels is missing between the two of you, even if the intimacy is non-sexual.”

Relating and communicating

No matter what the cause of your partner’s jealousy, it’s important that that the two of you talk about it—and particularly essential that you listen. Dr. Rik Isensee, LCSW (www.rikisensee.com), a psychotherapist and author of Love Between Men: Enhancing Intimacy and Resolving Conflicts in Gay Relationships, suggests broaching the topic and hearing your partner out without getting defensive or minimizing his concerns. He says, “Instead of countering immediately by saying that there’s nothing to worry about, ask your partner to tell you more about what he or she might have seen or heard that was disturbing.

Have a sense of curiosity and empathy for your partner and really try to understand what’s up.” Address concerns respectfully and explain the importance of your friendships, both to you individually and to your relationship. Dr. Hardin says, “Reassure your partner that you are committed to the relationship but that it would be unhealthy for both of you to limit your socialization to only each other. Part of what keeps a relationship healthy in the long-term is trust and the ability to lead lives that are growing, alone and together.”

You should also recognize when your partner might have a legitimate gripe. If you do have lingering feelings for an ex that you’ve remained friends with or are indeed attracted to one of your friends, the flirty behavior that has triggered his jealousy might not be so innocent. If

you know your partner’s fears are well-founded, Dr. Isensee recommends being honest about it—talk about your attraction to your friend and how that makes your partner feel. By discussing the situation together you can either offer reassurance that the attraction won’t lead to anything more or think about backing off from the friendship for the sake of the relationship.

You may also be contributing to your partner’s jealousy by being more emotionally intimate in friendships than you are with your partner. Says Dr. Hardin, “Calling your friend first for support when you are upset, for example, or sharing things about yourself or your history that you have not discussed with your partner, may also leave your partner feeling betrayed.” Talk about what behaviors trigger the jealousy and what you can do to make your sweetie feel more secure. Notes Dr. Pimental-Habib, “The goal for the couple would be to move whatever issue they’re struggling with from ‘you vs. me’ to ‘you and me vs. the problem.’”

Though seeking support and advice from friends can be helpful, what you don’t want to do is run immediately to the friend in question and tell her how jealous your partner is. This will likely add to the problem, and you owe it to your partner to have the discussion with him or her directly first.

Digging deeper

Though some instances of jealousy may be fleeting and your partner will be easily reassured, in many cases there are other issues at the root of the problem. “Someone who is chronically jealous of your friendships may have low self-esteem and feel easily threatened by the idea that you could be lured away from them,” observes Dr. Hardin. Whether this is due to something that happened to this person in a previous relationship or to other issues of insecurity, it is something that your partner is going to have to deal with him- or herself. Stephanie, 27, from Boston, says, “My ex cheated on me with a friend of hers, and so when I started seeing my current girlfriend, I would get really jealous of her close relationships with other women even though she told me over and over they were totally innocent. I realized eventually that all the baggage from my ex had made me really insecure, and that I had to deal with it before it ruined my current relationship.” Adds Dr. Pimental-Habib: “You can only do so much to alleviate another person’s jealousy. Working on reducing those threatening feelings is each individual’s own process and responsibility.”

It’s also probably not in your best interest to psychoanalyze your partner or bluntly tell this person, “You’ve got issues.” “Having that realization dawn on the person on his or her own is so much better,” says Dr. Isensee. “If you’re really being honest that nothing is going on, your partner may come to his or her own conclusion that this was a case of overreacting or past experiences triggering problems.”

In other cases, Dr. Hardin says, jealousy may point to a deeper lack of trust, projection (because your partner is having doubts about the relationship), or suppressed anger about other issues that he or she has not expressed to you directly. If discussion and dialogue don’t seem to have any positive effect, it might be time for a more serious intervention. All of our experts recommend considering seeing a couples therapist, who can help you and your partner get perspective on the underlying problems that might be triggering the jealous behavior. “Avoid making the issue the friend if the real issue is a feeling of disconnect between you and your partner,” advises Dr. Hardin. That way, you can get down to the real issue — you, your partner and trust issues — and hopefully work through them.

TURN DATES INTO MATES

Stuck on the dating hamster wheel and looking for a little long-term love instead?

Make it a Priority

Sounds simple, huh? But really, we treat dating so casually. Imagine if you looked for a job the way you look for a long-term relationship? "Oh, I'm just waiting for the right job to come along and sweep me off my feet." You have to be focused and persistent to find the right person. If you crave enduring love, dating should be as much a priority as the other important things in your life, like going to the gym, seeing your friends or spending time with your kids.

Believe in Yourself

Dating is a mental game. Just like athletes who employ expensive coaches to work on their psychological game, you need to put efforts into perfecting your mental outlook. If you don't feel good about yourself, no one will be enticed to chase after you. Start with a thought journal. Write down all of the successes you experience during the day -- even the little ones. Choose things that make you feel good about yourself. When negative thoughts rear their ugly heads, write them down and then read from your list of successes to debunk them. Pretty soon, you'll feel so good about yourself that you'll be positively glowing. And there's nothing sexier than confidence.

Don't Be Prematurely Picky

Many people who bemoan their lack of dating successes say things like, "Oh, he didn't have a Masters in Russian Literature and that's really a deal-breaker for me" or "I just can't date a woman who doesn't love This is Spinal Tap." Don't sweat the small stuff. Instead of poo-pooing potential mates before they even have a chance to impress you, go on a date -- or three. Sometimes you'll know right away that something isn't going to work out but if there's a possibility for something long-term, take the risk. You never know what might happen.

Know What You Want

It may seem contradictory with the advice above but you also need to know what's truly important to you for a long-term fix. Yes, you should put yourself out there and date, but make sure you have a master list of things that really matter to you. Concentrate on the big issues. Do you want children? How many? Love to travel? How do you want to spend your weekends (getting outdoors or lounging on a patio?) now and through retirement? Are religious practices part of your life? Having this kind of list provides a superstructure for your search so that you'll quickly know if they have potential or not, letting you pull the trigger before wasting too much time.

Spread the Word

If no one knows about your burning desire for coupled joy, they really can't help you. Maybe they figure you're content with the way things are. So tell everyone you know -- family, friends, co-workers, your fitness instructor or the guy at the local fruit market. Post a message on your Facebook page. That new boyfriend or girlfriend could come from anywhere. Borrowing from the job metaphor, you wouldn't send out one resume and then wait for the jobs to pour in.

Hit the Right Spots

Nightclubs aren't the only place where singles hook up. People meet each other at chess clubs, work, Laundromats, marathon races, libraries, health clubs, cafes, charitable organizations... you get the picture. And meeting someone who shares your passion rather than just your level of inebriation generally makes for a stronger long-term connection. Basically, use your hobbies and your passions to find your love.

Don't Worry Be Happy

Don't wear desperation like a dirty shirt. People spot it a mile away. Instead, embrace your single lifestyle. Spend time with friends, go out and do the things you love, celebrate the freedom that every day brings you. You'll be happier while you wait for Mr. or Ms. Perfect... and your full, quirky and interesting life will make you more attractive to them.

The Magic of the Soul Mate Wish List

You've tried it all—blind dates, online dating, singles' nights and speed dating. But have you created a soul mate wish list to find your one and only? Arielle Ford shows you how finding your life partner might be just like ordering your favorite coffee drink.

Once upon a time, little girls were told fairy tales
About handsome princes with magical kisses
Who would ride up on a white stallion and whisk them away
To the land called Happily Ever After.

Then reality struck.
The white stallion was a beat-up old car
And the prince turned out to be a jerk
Happily Ever After seemed to be a never, Neverland.

Then one smart and sassy princess decided to do some research.
She discovered prayers, meditations, intentions and rituals
Potent enough to manifest anything and everything her heart desired.

First she used it to get a parking space.
Next she started a business and built a big, fun career.
Then she created a nonprofit and raised a million dollars for homeless women.
Finally she used all her manifestation tools to land a soul mate.
Not just any soul mate; the best soul mate ever!

And in the process she discovered that happily ever after is really possible after all.

This is no storybook fairy tale; it's a page out of my own life story, and it has a real-life happy ending. For the past 12 years, my soul mate, Brian, and I have been blissfully married. But I have to admit that there were moments along the way when I doubted he would ever come.

Even though I had an amazing life, wonderful friends and a successful career, at 43 I found myself still single with no real prospects for romance. In a moment of inspiration, I decided to see if all the manifestation tools and techniques I had successfully used in my business would work in my love life. The first thing I did was invest some time, energy, attention and intention into creating what I call a Soul Mate Wish List. It may sound simple on the surface, but you'll be surprised by the wealth of information this one exercise will reveal.

Making the list requires hanging out in your heart long enough to hear what it is you most desire in a life partner. It also requires a leap of faith. Once you've clarified your unique goals, preferences and tastes, you have to cultivate the trust that the one you've asked for is on the way. Think of it this way:

When you walk into your favorite coffeehouse, you confidently tell the barista, "I will have a tall, half-caf, low-fat mocha latte, with a splash of nonsugar vanilla syrup to go." The barista smiles, writes your order on the side of a cup and takes your money. Within minutes you are walking out the door with the precise, delicious cup of coffee that you ordered. Ordering up a soul mate from the universe works in a similar way. It demands a bit more thought and it's not always as instantaneous, but it can be just as precise. However, here's the key to unlocking the full manifestation powers of the universe: You must clearly place your order.

If you're like most people, you're probably pretty clear about what you don't want in a partner, but attracting your soul mate doesn't work that way. You must ask for what you do want, and this is where your Soul Mate Wish List comes in. By identifying what's really important to you, you'll begin to send out a strong and consistent signal that will draw to you a partner who has values and goals that are similar to yours. If, however, you get caught in the trap of "keeping all your options open," you may confuse the cosmic order-taker as to what it is you really want.

THE 7 STAGES OF MARRIAGE

Author Maxine Rock wrote The Marriage Map. In her book, she explains marriage in seven easy-to-digest stages. All marriages experience these stages, according to Rock. As a man that has been with his wife for more than fifteen years, I can attest to this. I have included a brief synopsis of each stage.

Stage One: Fantasy Time (the first three years) is when relationships are perfect. This stage is exciting because it's new. You may even overlook your partner's shortcomings. If they don't pay the electric bill, it's easily forgotten with an apology. If your wife snorts when she laughs, you may find it cute, and not aggravating. This is when emotions run high and the sex is great. This is also known as the honeymoon stage.

Stage Two: The Compromise period (years two to seven) is when couples realize their partners aren't perfect. Some couples find themselves disappointed with their partner or experience marriage regret. You may even think, "Is this all I get? The snorting laugh you once found so cute becomes irritating. This is when people try to change their partners or themselves. You might ask your partner to become more responsible for paying bills or stop smoking cigarettes. This is a dangerous stage because some people won't make any changes or decide they don't want to accept their partner's faults and leave the relationship.

Stage Three: Reality Struggles (years five to ten) is when relationships become predictable and boring. Sexual activity may become less frequent and exciting. Eventually, both partners realize the other won't make any major changes and accept their partner's traits-good and bad. By this time, many couples are ready to divorce. To survive this stage, you must accept your partner and their limitations, and focus on their good points without being judgmental or critical. You will need more patience than you can imagine.

Stage Four: Decisions (years ten to fifteen) is when you decide your partner isn't the same person from the Fantasy stage. Your partner gets angry, is forgetful, and can sometimes be inconsiderate. But they may still surprise you with a romantic dinner or a romp in the park. At this stage, you will evaluate your marriage, separate the good from the bad, and then decide if you want to continue with the marriage.

Stage Five: Separation (years twelve to seventeen) is the worst moment in a relationship. This is when couples choose to either separate or get divorced. Some may emotionally separate from each other while their sex life and all communications cease. Some couples continue in loveless relationships for financial reasons or for their children. This stage only ends when a couple alters their lives so their marriage can survive.

Stage Six: Together again (years seventeen to twenty) is when a couple realizes they are in this partnership together and will stick it out till the end. Both parties decided to commit to their marriage and never consider divorce. If you are here, your relationship has succeeded.

Stage Seven: New Freedom (years twenty to twenty-five) is the final stage. This is when a couple no longer needs to apply so much energy into a marriage for it to work. The married couple just "goes with the flow." There may even be a peaceful understanding between partners. It's what many consider to be the best years of their marriage. Most couples refer to this final stage as their golden years.

Immediately following the seven stages is what Rock refers to as ongoing growth. This is when a couple spends their days enjoying each other's company. It's considered to be the final prize for persevering through hardships. You both grow individually while simultaneously maintaining your marriage.

SIX SIGNS YOUR THEIR REBOUND

Bouncing back from a break-up is a great thing, but bounce back too quickly and there's the danger of falling into the dreaded rebound relationship.

These rarely work out, precisely because we use them as a kind of bandage to get us through the emotional pain of the break up. When the pain is gone, so is the need for the bandage and we toss it away. Don't be the bandage. Arm yourself with the necessary knowledge to spot and avoid the rebound.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

When your new paramour tells you that you look just like Melissa (or whatever their old flame was called) it's a clear sign that the relationship will be a bouncy one. And you may be walking into a Stepford Wife scenario, so if you don't want to be turned into the robotic version of Melissa, get out while you can.

Haunting the Old Haunts

Speaking of the ghosts of relationships past, imagine you're out for a nice dinner and your new girl lets out a sigh, then says, "I was just remembering all of the good times Chuck and I had here. It was our place, actually." Which is strange because she suggested it -- and she took you to their favorite club the night before. Are you getting the sinking feeling that you're starring in the relationship version of Groundhog Day? Yep, if you keep revisiting places they went or doing things they used to do, you're caught up in a rebound. She can't move on, but you should.

What Are You Doing Here?

You meet up with a new guy for coffee but keep passing coffee shop after coffee shop without stopping in. When you question him, he says there's a perfect little place a little farther on. When you arrive, who should be your barista but Little Miss Ex-perfect Girlfriend? What a coincidence. Of course, he introduces you and she gives you the stink eye to end all stink eyes. The "Look How Great I'm Doing" rebound, finds you squeezed into a war of one-upmanship that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. You're a pawn in their sick game. Retire from the board before they do it for you.

Museum of Love

You finally get invited into your date's house and find it's like walking into a shrine. There are happy photos of her and the ex rock-climbing and vacationing in Mexico, cute little pictures she painted him and the "I heart Doug" mug she made him for Christmas. And, you could swear that she quickly shuffled some of his old letters off the table when you walked in. If she's immersed herself in this world of the past, you can be sure that her mind is still there too.

Quick Turn Around

If the answer to "So when did you two break up?" is anything less than a month ago tread carefully. Obviously every situation is unique, but usually when someone leaves a relationship it takes a little healing time before they are emotionally ready for a new one. So, if last week they were engaged and this week they are looking for the new future Ms. Right, you'd be wise to walk the other way, down any aisle that leads to a sign reading "Exit."

Everything You Do, Reminds Me of...

The way you brush the hair from your face. The way you laugh at his jokes. That dress you're wearing. This pasta you cooked. If everything you do reminds him of the past, he's using you to relive his old relationship. So unless you want to spend the next few months in some romantic K-tel "Hits of the Ex" recording, remind him what it's like to have someone say goodbye.

7 PROFILE MISTAKES GUYS MAKE

Listen up, guys—if you’re wondering why you’re not getting as much interest online as you’d like, let’s take a closer look at your profile. While it may look fine to you and your buddies, what women find appealing—or off-putting—is a whole lot different. Not convinced? Check out our list of seven common mistakes men make, and, if you’re guilty of any of them, use our quick, gal-friendly fixes to get the online attention you deserve.

Profile problem #1: An unappealing username

Most people online are genuinely looking for love, but a name that makes fun of the process (or yourself) sends a very different message. Even if you’re just joking, few self-respecting women will click on the profile of a guy who calls himself “sexyguy4u2nite,” “39goingon20” or “hangover13.” “Many men create a name that totally contradicts the sincerity of their profile,” says Roman Griffen, author of Internet Dating: Tips, Tricks,

Women are keen to know your career, but that doesn’t mean you should post your entire resume.

Tactics. “Women see a username and decide whether they even want to bother looking at your profile from that. A username can make them think, ‘Oh, this guy just wants a roll in the hay’ and move on.”

Female-friendly fix: Pick something that shows some personality, but that can’t be misinterpreted as negative or sleazy. Try combinations that incorporate your first name, your job, one of your better attributes or a hobby: Names like TallTexan, SDSoundboy, and TalkativeRick all tell a little about you without waving a red flag.

Profile problem #2: Posting a resume instead of a profile

Should you mention your job in your profile? Absolutely—women are keen on knowing about your career. But should you, like so many men’s profiles do, trace your career back to your college minor (minor!?), list every job you’ve had since high school, and detail every accomplishment? Look, we know that for guys—who are taught to toot their own horns professionally but not delve into their emotional sides—it can be much easier to talk about their work goals than their romantic ones. But spending too much of your personal essay talking about your job—or any single topic, actually—gives an unbalanced picture of your life. What’s more, most women want someone who can give them attention and affection, and will shy away from anybody who looks like a workaholic.

Female-friendly fix: Aside from a sentence or two about what you do, what you like best about it, and maybe a funny anecdote, leave the chit-chat about your 9-to-5 for later. Instead, focus on what you like to do when you leave your office—these activities make better indicators of your personality and energy level, which have more to do with compatibility than where you punch the clock.

Profile problem #3: Sounding too picky about your match

Chances are, when you type in the ideal age, height, and build of your perfect match, you’re thinking of those as ballpark range. However, women often take them very literally, says Griffen. So a woman might not email you if she’s a year above the age range you checked or a few pounds heavier than the category you selected. Also, a woman well within your desired range may think you have an age hang-up if you’re 40, yet you only want to date women 20 to 37; or if you’re clearly overweight but specify slender women only. “When a guy’s desired match makes him seem judgmental—like he doesn’t even want to date someone his own age—it comes across in a negative way,” says Griffen.

Female-friendly fix: There’s nothing wrong with posting the description of your ideal woman, or clicking on certain body types if you really do have a strong preference. But try adding a few years, inches, and pounds to the ends of your current requests, and you may get some emails from cuties who were previously “not good enough” but honestly fit the bill just fine.

Profile problem #4: Negative comments about past relationships

It’s not that you’re bitter, you’re just stating facts to get them out of the way, right? “Well, it

Sorry, but “I’m looking for my soul mate” sounds like a line.

happened to me: Seven years of marriage and I ended up a statistic.” “If you’re not a complete psycho, I want to hear from you.” “Favorite things: Boating, hiking, and a certain girl who dumped me.” These are examples of profiles from guys who are unwittingly telling women that they’re still too hung up on their pasts to start a real relationship. “Women are using your profile as a weeding-out process, and anything negative is a turn-off,” says Griffen. “Everybody has a war story, but nobody wants to hear it right off the bat.”

Female-friendly fix: Turn any of your negative statements into positives. Instead of saying “I’m tired of head games,” which translates to, “I’ve got a chip on my shoulder,” try, “Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship to me.” Instead of “I just got out of an awful relationship and am trying to meet nice women,” say, “I’m new to online dating and excited about possibly meeting a partner.” Anything snarky you have to say can always be said nicely, so it’s worth reading your profile with that in mind and flipping all your complaints into desires. P.S. Save the details about your exes until much, much later.

Profile problem #5: Breezing past the essay section

Yes, it can be hard to open up and just start selling strangers on who you are. But playing the strong, silent type doesn’t translate well online. “Lots of people don’t put much thought into their essay, and that’s why online dating doesn’t work for them,” says Evan Marc Katz, CEO of E-cyrano.com and author of I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book. “Most people consider their love life as important as their job, yet they’re doing the online equivalent of sending out a resume that’s only a quarter-page long.”

Female-friendly fix: Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to create the perfect essay and start by simply letting the reader know about you. Just think of what you’d say in an email to a long-lost friend you hadn’t talked to in ten years to bring them up to speed on your life: Describe your typical day, what your personality or job is like, and what you like to do for fun, using brief personal anecdotes to bring bland adjectives like “fun-loving” to life.

Profile problem #6: Posting a shirtless photo

Women browsing your profile don’t necessarily want to see what all of you looks like… or at least not just yet. “A man’s vanity can come through in the pictures he posts,” says Griffen. “Women usually say they are not impressed by seeing a guy flexing, even if he’s in great shape. It’s not what makes them want to sit down and write you an email.”

Female-friendly fix: This one’s self-explanatory—put on a shirt for your next batch of photos. Women aren’t going to be any less attracted to you if they see you in a nice collared t-shirt… we promise!

Profile problem #7: Being overly romantic

Women love romance, right? So why not tell them what they want to hear—“Are you the special lady I’ll bring home to meet my mom?” or “I’m looking for my princess,” or quoting that Meatloaf song about “I would do anything for love.” Well, unless you’re the kind of guy who actually talks like that in day-to-day life, your romantic lines sound like just that—lines. “Women are actually looking for real men, not someone who talks about how he cried at Shrek,” says Griffen. “Trying to show that sensitive side right off the bat to total strangers can come across as disingenuous.”

Female-friendly fix: Here’s Griffen’s recommendation on what to say in your profile to let women know you are serious about finding The One: “Sometimes I like to goof off and have a good time, but I know when to be serious.” This immediately lets women know that you’re not out for just a good time and are mature enough to deal with important issues. And it does that without any efforts at sentimentality that make it look as if you’re trying too hard.

REALISM IN THE ROMANTIC COMEDY

Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. Boy and girl have a misunderstanding. Boy and girl are both miserable. Then, somehow, a miracle happens, boy and girl realize they’re destined for each other and walk off into the sparkling sunset holding hands headed for a bump-free future of bliss.

Sounds like a movie, right? Well, in years past that would have been the perfect Hollywood romantic comedy script. And audiences (who were, we assume, predominately female) would have lapped it up. It’s like a romance novel come to life on the silver screen. But recently there has been a shift in the “classic” Hollywood format, and much like the magazine trend urging photographers and editors to publish non-airbrushed photos of models, Madonna and Jessica Simpson, movies are also starting to offer up snapshots of real-life relationship scenarios that aren’t in “soft focus.” In other words, “happily ever after” is no longer a Hollywood guarantee — and audiences are OK with it.

What caused this shift to happen without audiences retreating behind their rose-colored glasses, taking their movie dollars elsewhere? We decided to take a look at this trend towards romantic realism in films to find out.

What is a Romantic Comedy, Anyway?

“I think people nowadays think of the term ‘romantic comedy’ and can only picture big-budget, vapid tales of love which are largely comedic but lacking heart,” says Zoe Lister-Jones, the lead actress, screenwriter and producer for this year’s Indie hit film, Breaking Upwards. “A romantic comedy in its truest form is both funny and dramatic, perhaps in equal parts.” In other words, though real relationships may be no laughing matter, there may still be laughter within the context of what happens when two people try to connect. But there may also be drama.

“Certainly at the box office, we (the audience) accept the premise — at least, when it comes to men and women — that after the lightning strikes, THUNDER is often heard when two people begin the process of sharing their lives together,” says writer/producer Michael Gage. “The shift now indicates that Hollywood has realized audiences will still cheer for the rush of love unfolding on the screen, but they also want to see the main characters suffer after they arrive at true love together.” This concept was perfectly executed in last year’s surprise hit film, (500) Days of Summer, which really did a great job of further redefining the concept of what “romantic comedy” means. In fact, the film begins with this onscreen disclaimer: This is a story of boy meets girl, but it is not a love story.

“What I think we’re really saying here is that it doesn’t take two people to fall in love. I think the term ‘love story’ suggests otherwise,” says the film’s screenwriter, Scott Neustadter, who used his own real-life romance and subsequent crushing breakup as the basis for the film’s plot. “I also think calling something a ‘love story’ automatically implies a ‘happy ending,’ especially in contemporary Hollywood movies. There’s nothing wrong with it. Happy endings can be great. But we intentionally started off this movie letting audiences know, ‘Hey, if you’re here to watch two people fall in love and walk off hand in hand into the sunset, you’re in for a rough 90 minutes.’”

Times are Tough; Shouldn’t Movies Reflect That?

This shift towards reality may also simply be a sign of the times. Though escapism may be the easier “sell” in Hollywood, audiences are becoming more open to seeing the subtler nuances of humanity and how our relationships play out onscreen. “People are more into reality and more in touch with the negative side of life with the recession going on,” says Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, author of Make Up, Don’t Break Up. “People are looking at life more realistically and clearly, and the money strain is affecting more relationships. People are also realizing it’s more important to have better closure with their own relationships. They are working together as a team in choosing to say goodbye.”

This theme was certainly evident in Breaking Upwards, where the main characters actually planned their own breakup throughout the course of the film. While this may not sound like a classic romantic comedy plot, it still has a place in the genre because the film shows the progression of two people who care deeply about each other trying to find a way to end their relationship slowly, in increments, backing away from their own codependence and finally letting go. Bittersweet though it is, Breaking Upwards ultimately illustrates that most relationships — and the endings that sometimes must follow — are anything but clean, linear and painless.

To witness this onscreen, however, was refreshing. “I definitely think the romantic comedy genre as a whole is in need of deconstructing and rebuilding from the ground up,” says Lister-Jones. “So much of what Hollywood is looking to make relies largely on escapism, which they see as a formula for box-office returns. I think there’s a lot to be said for films that people can really relate to; films that portray real people dealing with very real issues. That doesn’t mean they can’t be entertaining — or even funny — movies. It just means they need to ask deeper questions about the nature of relationships from current and relevant new perspectives.”

Gender Roles Are Changing, Too

Romantic comedies are shifting farther and farther away from the once-popular “chick flick” formulas in order to appeal to a wider audience and keep the genre from stagnating. (500) Days of Summer accomplished this  by making the protagonist male, a marked shift in the classic romantic film plot structure. “It’s still surprising to all of us involved with this film that people view this as an intentional flipping of gender roles — none of us ever thought of this in that way,” says Neustadter. “My male friends sit around and talk about relationships, dating and their frustrations with the opposite sex just as much as women do. Girls break up with guys all the time, don’t they? I think part of what makes this story work is that we’ve all been on both sides of the coin. We’ve liked someone without having the same feelings reciprocated and vice versa. It’s a universal experience.”

And that experiential universality certainly plays a part in opening up the genre to explore new storytelling styles. Men and women may be from Mars and Venus or whatever, but when it comes to Hollywood stars, the roles in that galaxy are a little less rigid. This presents ever-evolving possibilities for everyday reality to influence how we expect to view relationships in film. Male/female dynamics have changed markedly in years past in the real world and in dating and they continue to do so. Therefore, it would make sense that romantic comedies also evolve to reflect what’s happening culturally.

Misery Likes Company

“I think when situations are not grounded in an emotional truth in films they’re harder for the viewer to connect with and relate to,” says Lister-Jones. In other words, the new, more realistic romantic films are successful because audiences can see themselves in the onscreen characters presented and then they don’t feel so alone. They’re being shown romantic situations they can relate to and therefore feel both attachment to and empathy for the characters.

Both Breaking Upwards and (500) Days of Summer included scenarios lifted directly from the lives of the films’ screenwriters, and while it’s not necessary to use your own autobiography as the basis for a good script, there’s something to be said for drawing upon your own truths and life experiences to make a film which will resonate with audiences. Also, familiarity is comforting. When people identify with something onscreen they’ve experienced in their own lives, it gives them a feeling of, “Oh, thank goodness, I’m not the ONLY one who has gone through this.” And rather than being fed “comedy” born out of a situation’s total implausibility, viewers are entertained by the more subtle humor that stems from a sense of camaraderie and understanding of the characters themselves as human beings.

In the End, Hope Matters

“Love is pain mixed with joy, but the pain of unmet expectations has the overwhelming power to crush the concept of true love,” says Gage. However, there is one fundamental element that must be present for a film to be termed a “romantic comedy” — and that’s hope. Without it, why would people even bother to keep trying to find that romantic connection with someone else?

Though Hollywood is allowing a trickle of true-to-life relationship stories to infiltrate the romance genre, one thing that we all still want to believe in is that the power of love will prevail somehow (even if it’s with a different person than the one you originally thought was The One). “Dramas are a really hard sell right now in Hollywood precisely because people’s realities are dark enough,” says Lister-Jones. “Breaking Upwards is bittersweet, but undoubtedly, it’s still a comedy. We wanted it to end on a hopeful note while leaving a lot up to the audience. I always think a good movie leaves its audience asking questions.”

Bottom line: Whether it’s in a romantic comedy or your own reality, the concept of hope is what keeps love alive… both onscreen and off.

IS MARRIAGE COUNSELING REALLY EFFECTIVE?

So why do people find it so difficult to stay in love? In his book, Your Love and Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley Jr. says that when couples first get married, they work extra hard at fulfilling their partner’s emotional needs. However, problems arise once someone decides they no longer care about their partner’s emotional needs. Once this occurs, a marriage can quickly become miserable.

Regarding marriage counseling, Dr. Willard also says it has the worst success rate of any other form of counseling. Willard refers to a study that only 25% of those seeking marriage counseling experience any success.  In some situations, marriage and relationship counseling can benefit a relationship. A counselor can offer suggestions on resuscitating a near dead relationship or help you to realize that you may not be meeting your partner’s emotional needs.

Relationship counseling probably doesn’t experience much success because many couples seek help after it’s too late. For instance, consider the average smoker who doesn’t quit smoking until after they are diagnosed with lung cancer. Although they quit, they didn’t throw out their last cigarette until after their body had already suffered irreversible damage.

Relationship counseling cannot fix a dead relationship. Unfortunately, some relationships cannot be saved. If one or both partners have mentally abandoned the marriage, it’s beyond repair. The exception is any couple with a sincere interest in preserving their relationship. If you choose to remain married, prepare to put in the necessary time and effort to maintain your relationship. Think of counseling as a spark that can potentially reignite a smoldering cinder into a roaring flame.

LOOKING FOR LOVE ON THE INTERNET

Online dating has become an acceptable method of meeting people.  At first there was much negativity associated with online dating.  Most of the negativity about online dating is now gone.  Online dating is no longer considered a dating tool solely for freaks and weirdos.   Internet dating has become a legitimate practice of meeting people.

Online dating has become a great tool in assisting  people of all ages in their quest for finding a significant other or to meet new friends.

Most people are busy working and just living.  Finding time to find a date can be complicated because of a lack of  time,  energy and  financial resources. 

It can be easier and less expensive to review internet profiles on a dating site than spending an evening out at a restaurant and a movie with every potential love interest. 

Looking for someone special? Just log onto your computer and start reviewing different dating services  and checking out  profiles. 

Start with an honest and detailed profile, add a current photograph and start responding to potential contacts.  A little bit of patience and perseverance is all it takes.

Just think, instead of visiting a local bar or club and spending a small fortune, just turn on your computer and get ready to start meeting some people!